Павел Тюрин Legend of the Peeing briton - PDF

Павел Тюрин Legend of the Peeing briton Текст предоставлен правообладателем Pavel Tyurin Legend of The Peeing Briton: 2014 ISBN Аннотация

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Павел Тюрин Legend of the Peeing briton Текст предоставлен правообладателем Pavel Tyurin Legend of The Peeing Briton: 2014 ISBN Аннотация Legend of Blockhead and His Nessie is an incredibly (!) well-documented story about one Richard Blockhead and about his feat at the Fatherland and Freedom monument in Riga, Latvia. This is a story of a man who courageously challenged the dogma of modern society, of his unbelievable cultural and historical discoveries that were made in his ancestral mansion near Loch Ness in Scotland. The reader will also find out the alternative story of the Universe s origin; how Lucifer became God s rival and how, for that, he was turned into a snake-like monster, Nessie. The monster was kicked out of Heaven, and Richie was exiled from the paradise of civilised humanity on Earth. The two outcasts, one from Heaven, another from earth, became friends for neither wanted to live within the constraints of laws. They longed for their infinite freedom, even though it meant sacrificing their comfort. This book is addressed not only to those who love fantasy and adventure genres, but also to the readers with philosophical mindsets who are interested in personal and creative psychology. Содержание November Foreword Part 1 A Fairy Turns Boy into Rock and our Brit Becomes Bronze[9] The Peeing British Club[12] Awaiting the Anthem[14] Happy Holiday![17] Sects[18] Ethnic Arguments on Authorship and Genetics[20] Cinema[22] Choreographic Drama[23] Prologue. Episode 1. Act 1. Episode 2. Act 2. Episode 3. Episode 4. Act 3. Episode 5. Ah, Arbat, My Arbat![32] A Grand Success at the EUROVISION 2009 Сontest[40] In the Opera[41] For Pre-school and Primary School Children[42] Special Service in the PB-Bar[46] Computer Alternative[49] May Every History have its Own Museum![50] Museum s exhibits Beware of the Fakes![51] Horticulture[55] and Culinary Arts[56] Grasping the Airspace and Making New Astronomical Discoveries[59] Achtung! Achtung! The Air Raid![62] In the Artistic Laboratories of the Show-biz[65] One Totally Awesome Brit-dance[66] Chic![69] They are Beating us![70] The Stakes of the New Inquisition[71] They with Us[72] P. S Part 2 In His Ancestral Castle Chekhov on the Island Конец ознакомительного фрагмента Pavel Tyurin Legend of The Peeing Briton Text P. Tyurin, Cover, illustrations, notes P. Tyurin, Legend of Blockhead and His Nessie Riga November As they struck midnight, the clocks of Riga, Latvia, started the Lāčplēsis Day1, the day when a British citizen urinated on the Latvian Fatherland and Freedom Monument for the first time in history. His name, of course, was Blockhead Richard P. Blockhead2 1 Lāčplēsis Day (Latvian: Lāčplēša Diena) is celebrated on November 11, the victory over the Bermontians at the battle of Riga (please see the details on p. 201). 2 Drawings, photographs and illustrations have been authorised for use in this book by Mr. Richard P. Blockhead s trustees, administration of The Peeing British Club and The VIP Club. If you have any questions or comments about the accuracy of Nessie s (Nessiteras rhombopteryx) visual depictions please send your requests to: The Loch Ness Museum, Inverness-shire, IV63 6TU, Scotland. Or to the Richard Blockhead s and Nessie s museum curator in Latvia at: 5 Foreword This past event would be remembered as rather commonplace, since many tourists urinate anywhere they please on the streets of Riga. But it wasn t due to the singularity of the place where the incident occurred. It happened at the foot of the Fatherland and Freedom Monument considered by the locals as an altar of freedom and a visible symbol of Latvia s independence. Many expected that this daring act would be followed by the demonstrations of protest near the British Embassy. But instead, after a short vacillation, this Blockhead s behaviour did not cause protests, but shock and confusion, and even real admiration.3 A similar event of the 17th century was often recalled, at that time, in connection with Little Julien. He peed on the front porch of the local fairy, angered her and she turned him into rock.4 Despite such cruel punishment for a child, good people of Brussels never doubted that such an act was the boy s way to proclaim the strength of the human spirit. He contested the witchcraft and sorcery that engulfed Europe at the time. And then a talented sculptor made a wonderful statue of the petrified Julien that has been set in the centre of the city. Now the historians write that Petit Julien symbolises freedom of self and the maverick spirit of the Brussels people. So the contemporary defenders of the human rights demand to erect a statue of not a boy, but a man, a Peeing Briton, paying a timeless tribute to the Little Julien. This monument to the Briton of Riga could be erected near the English Club in the historical centre, for instance. Doubtlessly, Anglophiles as well as Anglophobic philanthropists (or the Eurosceptics) would be happy to provide the means for such a monument. Such an undertaking could be at least partially funded by the fines collected from the immodest tourists independent of their age, nationality, gender, religious affiliation, or country of residence. It is possible that once the Monument to the First Briton Peeing is erected in the old part of Riga it will be as popular as the famous Manneken Pis in Brussels. 3 As the further history shows this celebratory astonishing incident turned into a new English extreme activity. It was later followed by the Irish, Portuguese, and other Caucasian nationalities. 4 According to another legend, simplified but nevertheless heroic, this little boy saved the city from the threat of the imminent fire. By peeing, he extinguished the burning wick beneath the gunpowder that had been laid out by the enemy under the city walls. Hence the boy became famous far beyond Flanders. 6 Part 1 The Monument A prospective model of the monument to Blockhead. It will win the contest in the future. But for now it is still in the sculptor s workshop There are so many reasons to wish humanity evil that laughing at them is showing kindness Henry de Montherland Even though the plans to build The Monument to the First Briton Peeing have just been released the author has already received an overpowering flood of jubilant comments. This new hero is becoming a serious competitor to our countryman, the legendary Baron Munchhausen, as Blockhead epitomises the glory of the British genius that has manifested its special talent on the Latvian soil. The events that followed were even more impressive than the Baron s hunt for deer, duck, etc. This new contemporary epic is about a fascinating life of a monument, and a man who dared to cross paths with customary respect for traditions. His story is supported by evidence of unusual, sometimes fantastical events that occurred after November in Riga,5 even though their accuracy is hard to prove now. 5 Why on that day, why on the Lāčplēsis Day, why on the 11 November? One version explains that Richard Blockhead chose 7 Below is but one example of the apocryphe written on the pedestal of the monument and its accuracy is questionable. They say that on that night, one tipsy tourist from England stumbled upon the monument of Freedom. He saw the inscription Tēvzemei un Brīvībai (Latvian for to Fatherland and Freedom ), compared the letters to those in his Latvian-English phrase book, nodded his agreement and started to pee on the foundation. Doing so he exclaimed: To freedom, yours and ours! Then he elaborated: Freedom and fatherland can not coexist! It was a substantial minus in his favour The policemen on duty hit the ceiling in indignation as they saw and heard him. They jumped to apprehend him and as they ran they saw two beavers sawing off a tree quite illegally. The policemen yelled: You ll be the witnesses!, but the beavers disappeared almost at once. Truth be told, as soon as they reached the monument they noticed that the puddle below this Brit was forming a shape mirroring the familiar contours of the Latvian map. And it was obvious that Abrene6 became a part of Latvia again. Since their knowledge of the English language was limited they could not comprehend what on Earth it meant What is the meaning of zees? They were also puzzled as how to treat this belated support of the Briton in his demand for the re-establishment of the old borders in the most politically correct fashion. The policemen really did not want to do wrong and cause the protests from Russian, and maybe also from Lithuanian7 sides. So they did not insist that the tourist should change his peeing patterns: Be more precise! At first the policemen tried to persuade him to make a few steps aside and use the nearby bathroom, but the foreigner ignored them, and instead stripped out of his clothes, apparently to entertain his buddies who, by the way, photographed their mate like that. The policemen reached their limit and delivered the silly gentleman to the station. Perhaps the sculpture is supposed to show how the Briton preformed in the drunk tank. Or was that after a night on the jailhouse bed, when his drinking buddies met him the day after? As ignited as he was, he left once the bail was paid. Who can say now! They tell all kinds of stories. Revolutionary ideas and shocking behaviour have lives of their own according to the way they are perceived and the memorable demonstration by Richard Blockhead is just one more example of this.8 Many people identified with the Peeing Briton and who knows, perhaps our reader would also find an impulse akin to Richard s liberation manifesto. this date subconsciously. He may have had a personal motivation to do so, of which he was not aware at the time. In fact, Richard avenged his Scottish girlfriend whom Lāčplēsis had humiliated back in the ancient times. The readers will learn the details on page 108 when they get there. 6 A Latvian town of Abrene (arch. Pytalovo) and the counties surrounding it were given to Russia in If we take a careful look at the Briton s map we will also notice that a Lithuanian town of Palanga has also become a part of Latvia once more. Palanga was considered Latvian territory from 1919 to It is not uncommon for great books to borrow a plot from real events. Daniel Defoe wrote his legend of Robinson Crusoe when he heard the story of Alexander Selkirk, the sailor. They say that Dostoyevsky borrowed the plot for Crime and Punishment from the police cases. So this legend of peeing Briton was also born from the real event reported by the Criminal-inform agency. 8 Yet another publication depicting the triumph of a new British fashion in a weekly Riga newspaper 7 Secrets of 4 February Members of The Peeing British Club are willing to pay a fortune at Sotheby s for an original issue What follows is written for those readers who find themselves disconnected from civilization, socially blind, deaf, or having been otherwise incapacitated and have not heard much of Richard Blockhead. For those we provide a review of the newsagents reports as well as commentaries on the brave demonstration of Blockhead by various media. Readers who take advantage of the info will become aware of the resonance this event caused, and once again certain that our contemporary society has long been awaiting from its heroes, a proof of the end of modern culture and the meaninglessness of its imagery and harmony. 9 A Fairy Turns Boy into Rock and our Brit Becomes Bronze9 One Riga paper chose to announce the opening of the Peeing Briton monument under such headline in its Shame on you! page. It also shared the optimal practice of use of the monument. It is to be equipped with an open street urinal for men only, made to look like an open side pocket. Since the monument is to stand in the historical centre of Riga, near the English Club men can come and do like the Brit did pee on the peeing! Each and every one will be able to stand next to the sculpture and go for a number 1. But one has to be alert during dark November evenings, especially on the 11th when a real flood of tourists is expected, so not to confuse the peeing statue with a man peeing into it. And of course, men have to take precaution and make sure that they are not taken for a monument either. If one wants to be truly safe they should ask: Do you speak English? If one hears no answer one can assume that it is safe to pee. We have to say that at this point people are already anxious about this being the only sculptural urinal in the city. We definitely need more of these made in a variety of materials should it be cement, lead, or marble. But the Puritans of the city are worried about a different matter. They are concerned about a famous tourist superstition that rubbing certain parts of famous sculptures can fulfil the wishes. According to the Puritan representatives, this superstition will cause people to rub the Brit s offending organ until it is polished to gold. As such this part will radiate such sex appeal that will shine even in the middle of night and will disturb the good people. Such a treasure will surely attract even the newlyweds who will come to the monument in their limousines and lay flowers at its feet. Also the gay parades (to hell with em!) will conclude their demonstrations with ritualistic dance around it. The only thing left to advise to these overly pious Puritans is to come and paint the British member, just like Pope Pius the Fourth painted over Michelangelo s images in the 16th century. That is if they want to contest Pius s piousness. Everybody knows that Chizhik-Pyzhik 10 was stolen in St. Petersburg, or that the Little Mermaid s head was sawn off in Copenhagen. And now we have it here, too. When the protruding 9 A small newspaper Rīga dimd ( Riga Resonance ) takes its title from a Latvian folk song with a chorus Ai jai jā, tral lalā, kas to Rīgu dimdināj which can be translated as: Oh-la-la, tral-la-la who excited Riga so? 10 Chizhyk-Pyzhik is an old, famous Russian nursery rhyme about a fuzzy, feathery little bird (Siskin). In 1994 the municipal authorities of St. Petersburg installed a bronze statue of Chizhik-Pyzhik on the bank of the River Fontanka in the city. Later the statue was repeatedly stolen. 10 part of the peeing Brit achieved a blindingly bright polish someone sawed it off at night. The flower girl named Elisa who was usually selling flowers just around the corner on Pils street reported the following to us: Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it sawed it off! 11 Next we asked who pinched it and who sawed it off for which she retorted: Wha ja mean who? The ungodly pious uns. The Puranians castrated im! As if that wasn t enough soon after this act of vandalism, while the city council was busy looking for a worthy substitute, somebody from the local flea market installed a halogen lamp with a battery in place of the missing member. They must have done so out of sympathy. But in any case, now the monument serves as a light in the darkness of the narrow street. So as you see, we indeed have very real causes for worry. 11 This is inspired by Elisa Doolittle s line Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it done her in as written by Bernard Shaw in the Pygmalion. After all Elisa took the English language lessons from a famous professor. 11 The Peeing British Club12 It has come to our attention that fans of the Peeing Briton intend to organise their own club their own writers guild. As members of this club they also claim the right to attend all public bathrooms for free on the territory of the European Union. Many believe that this is their way to continue the relay started by the long-standing team The Friends of Manneken-Pis. Any citizen who has ever pissed on a famous monument can claim membership. However they need to provide the supporting documents, such as: a receipt for the fine payed, minutes of the trial, a hospital certificate concluding that they have been physically abused, photographs, police reports, etc. But let us emphasise that the PB Club charter condemns such blasphemous actions in relation to the cemetery statues. The most prominent activists of this movement established a closed club within a club VIPClub-ХХХ that stands for Very Important Peeing Club XXX. These people enjoy social attention: they are asked for their autographs, they are invited to the corporate events, and to conduct master classes in peeing précis.13 One manufacturer of the inflatable matresses bought a licence for producing a Peeing British Doll, and is successful in distributing it to the ladies only sex shops. Sometimes the members of the VIP Club conduct special training sessions which are intended to remind the newcomers that they have entered a strictly closed society hence the XXX 12 The Peeing British Club issues a general club magazine We miss only You! and Come together! As well as the illustrated album Famous Fountains. 13 In the Russian language the word to pee looks identical to the word to write, thus the phrase peeing précis rather than the original meaning of peeing precision, is reminiscent of writing and conveys the allusion to Précis Writing. 12 Despite the secrets of the society, the VIP members are immediately known by the very important way of walking A member of the VIP Club is practicing a Kama Sutra position in an intimate embrace And this is certainly indicative of the fact that not all husbands correspond to the new standards of manliness, and the intimate needs of their beloveds. Naturally, the handicraft artists also saw the lucrative opportunity and were quick to change from the dull amber pieces to making decorative plates, cups, stickers, key-chains, ties, etc. All pieces are decorated with the symbol of open-mined attitude and are in high demand in souvenir shops. It is little wonder that due to the new trend, widespread interest to the nearly faded craft of embossing is on the rise again, but a new image is currently in demand. These plates now decorate bathroom doors where until recently a cute toddler on the pot was traditionally depicted. In some countries they have already started to change signs on the public bathroom doors. Where a gentleman with a walking stick, a triangle, or a letter M used to be, now a statue of our Briton can be seen. In case there is a queue, members of the Club enjoy the right to immediately pass. 13 Awaiting the Anthem14 As any organization with self-respect, The Peeing British Club is now enthralled with the composition of its anthem. The work is still in the process, but some results are already emerging. The Club is grateful for the odes composed by the famous masters as well as by the novice authors who are still testing their talent and plume. No one remained indifferent to Blockhead s outcry for freedom and its incredible consequences. However, our composers hardly move beyond the city love songs. Creating an anthem is not at all as easy as running your fingers on the keyboard when you make yet another silly hit, might you even be the best known of Maestros! Composers were pleased by the additional benefit to the prize fund in the form of the following announcement. The Peeing British Club has announced that the new herald and a shout of freedom the new radio station will start its broadcast in the near future. The new station is called PBC (please do not confuse with BBC!) The PBC broadcasts will begin early in the mornings with a powerful sound of the orchestra playing the PB Club anthem.15 The radio broadcasts will feature the news of the PB organization throughout the world, interviews with scientists, historians, and historical evidence on the prominent people ill with gout.16 The concept of the new station implies talk shows with political leaders, who are not afraid 14 Annual musical almanac: Mu
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